The honest acceptance speech

Inspired by the Golden Globes. Written very quickly, in a burst of amusement and mild disgust. This column originally ran in the Boston Globe on January 15, 2013.

 

I WON! I won! And here I am, up here, looking down at all of you, and I’m so nervous! It’s terrifying to be adored during award season! I just don’t know what to say!

Luckily, I prepared this acceptance speech.

First, I have to thank this esteemed body of voters, which has been giving me these awards since I was a child. People say this is a second-tier award, but I don’t care, because everybody wants one anyway. Just look at that pop star across the room, glaring at me. She lost a few minutes ago, and now her soul is turning black.

Next, I’d like to thank my team: My manager Bob, my publicist Sue — I adore you, Sue — my folks at ICA, my peeps at CVS, Ms. Prunetta, who makes all of my daily style and juice decisions, and Orville, who gets my groceries.

(Read on.)

Published by

joannaweiss

Journalist, novelist, pundit

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